This Horyble Monster, 1531

Halloween Scariness: The Tale of the Monstrous German Double Pig, or, Everyone in our Village is Going to Hell.



















Here's the text that appears in the center of the image. Read at your own peril!

This horyble monster is cast of a sowe in Eestlande in Pruse two myle from Runyngbergh in a vyllage which is called lebe[n]hayn whiche monster hathe had a great wyde mouth, with two eyen, foure eares, no stomacke nor guttes [and] two hertes, viii. fete, and the body was growe[n] togyther from the nauyll vp to the hede, [and] with thys foresayde monster were broughte forth. v. yonge pygges alyue, and these two fygures be cou[n]terfeyted after the facyon of the sayd monster both before and behynde. The yere of our lorde. 1531 [Germany]

Those Germans know how to have a monstrous birth! Although I'm a bit disappointed that no rationale for the monster's existence is provided, I think my approximation is pretty close to what really caused the 2-in-1 piglet. Who wants bacon?

The Witch of Edmonton, 1658

Witches again! It's almost Halloween after all...and I have a pretty scary one for the actual big day. Here's a manuscript with Elizabeth Sawyer and her familiar, Tom the dog. I sort of like the idea that they were going to kill someone (his name is "Cuddy Banks," it's not the name of the actual bank. Either way, I like it), but then have a sort of change of heart. Still, neither one of them actually wants to get in the river to do the saving. Standoff.

Heraclitus Dream, 1642

I really have no idea what this broadside is about, but this is at the center of a huge image in which the sheep seem to have captured a shepherd, and other people and animals watch /point / laugh. I have no idea what any of this has to do with Heraclitus, "the weeping philosopher." I'd say it has more to do with Democritus! Because he was known as "the laughing philosopher!" Because it's funny! And mullets are funny! Ha ha ha!

People love my Greek philosopher jokes.

But seriously, according to William Marshall (the author), it's called Heraclitus Dream because it came upon him in "doleful meditation [and] Heraclitus used to weep much." According to Marshall, the Shepherd "signifieth ministers clipped of their good name, fame, and means by rude people, without authority, law, or reason." I like the fact that he had the dream and wrote a poem about it, and then at the bottom offers up a section called "The Author's Intent and Meaning by this Dream." You see, the dream wasn't about sheep at all -- they were SYMBOLIC of the proverbial Christian "fold" or "flock." I never would have guessed.

A rehearsall both straung and true, of hainous and horrible actes committed by Elizabeth Stile, 1579

LOL Manuscripts -- For a limited time in TECHNICOLOR!















This pamphlet is pretty similar to the earlier entry about the Satanic Kitty who did the bidding of the witches of Chensford in 1566. Both women have familiars that they feed with their own blood in exchange for some "hainous" act. In this pamphlet, though, Elizabeth Stile has a cat, a rat (named Philip), a lizard, and a frog. Her familiars kill a butcher, and I'm pretty sure that a line in there hints at an abortion (it's about the destruction of a babe or something, but I can't quite make it out). I like to think the same SatanCat from the other witch trail is up to his old tricks again, killing men and aborting fetuses...although Stile doesn't get any sheep.

Why do these witches want abortions all the time? They must have been sort of slutty...but is sleeping around really worth your immortal soul?

See, heer, malignants foolerie retorted on them properly The Sound-Head, Round-Head, Rattle-Head well plac'd, where best is merited, 1642

Fragmenta regalia, or, Observations on the late Queen Elizabeth, 1653

I just saw Elizabeth: The Golden Years. It wasn't bad, but for some reason Sir Walter Raleigh is played as a swashbuckling superhero who single-handedly defeats the Spanish Armada (well, him and a terrible storm...but it was definitely mostly just him). Anyway, Clive Owen was pretty foxy, and the film was visually stunning, but sort of strange in its portrayal of some of the other historical figures. Philip of Spain was just plain weird. I do think Raleigh (and Dudley and Essex) would have liked this image, though.

Do I sense a booming t-shirt enterprise? I think "VQILF" and Guy Fawkes' "Mustache Rides 10 cents" puts an awesome early modern spin on some 20th century creepy t-shirt classics.

The Lineage of Locusts, 1641 (aka UNICORN VS. POPE)

I think maybe this is the best woodcut I've found. Mostly because of the Unicorn vs. Pope / "there can be only one" feeling. How did unicorns come to hate the papacy so much? We may never know...

The Sucklington faction: or, (Sucklings) Roaring Boyes, 1641

Puss, my apple against thy mouse ile lay, 1646

The Testimony of Sir Purrz-a-Lot:
I HAS ALWAYS ENJOYD TEH ACSHUN AN RISK OV GAMBLIN. I WUD SOMETIMEZ BET ON SPORTIN EVENTS WIF FRENZ, OR PULAY GAME OV BRIDGE, BUT I THOUGH IT WUZ UNDR CONTROL. I NEVR ONCE CONSIDERD DAT DIS WUZ PROBLEMATIC 4 ME. YET MAH JOURNEY ON TEH PATH 2 SELF DESTRUCSHUN BEGAN WHEN TEH CASINO OPEND. I BEGAN WIF BLACKJACK, AN DEN WHEN TEH ACSHUN WUZ NOT FAST ENOUGH, I WENT 2 CRAPS, DEN 2 TEH HIGH STAKEZ GAME OV POKR. AFTR 2 YEERS I WUZ IN SUCH FINANSHUL RUIN DAT I HAD 2 TELL MAH WIFE AN SHE LEEVED ME 4 ANOTHR KITTEH. I PROMISD MYSELF DAT I WUD QUIT, BUT TEH NEXT DAI I WUZ RITE BAK AT TEH CARD TABLE. I HIT RAWK BOTTOM IN DA BAK ROOM OV PUB, LOSIN MAH LAST MOUSE 2 SMOKIN MONKEY. I WUZ LEFT WIF NOTHIN—NO MOUSES, NO HOME, NO WIFE, NO PPLZ. IT WUZ DEN DAT I KNEW I HAD 2 ASK 4 HALP.

The image may also be a first in the "various animals playing games of chance" genre of painting:

A Declaration of a Strange and Wonderfull Monster, 1646

The Full Title:
A declaration of a strange and wonderfull monster: born in Kirkham parish in Lancashire (the childe of Mrs. Haughton, a Popish gentlewoman) the face of it upon the breast, and without a head (after the mother had wished rather to bear a childe without a head then a Roundhead)









Early Modern rationale is flawless.