The Whipster of Woodstreet, 1690

I think mine would be "albatross." Or "Xanadu." Coleridge would definitely be alluded to in some fashion, because he always makes me think of weird sexual exploits (see: Wordsworth and his sister Dorothy, and their creepy friendship/obsession with each other and Coleridge). Actually, upon further consideration, maybe I'd go Foucauldian and pick "panopticon," because I think Foucault was actually into this kind of stuff. Oh, it's such a difficult decision!

Anyway, this ballad is about these women who beat their servant Mary Cox to death. While that's pretty grim, I'm most unsettled by the little boy casually juggling in the doorway. And I'm still not sure what all is lying on the ground. I can see the basket and the dress, but what is that thing in between them? A frozen turkey? That Mary Cox was into some kinky stuff.

Memento Mori image, 1690

This image is repeated through quite a few broadsides in the later 17th century. For the record, I think it's pretty fantastic, and would make quite a harrowing lower-back tattoo.

P.S. -- You are going to die, you know. Tick-tock.

P.P.S. -- I just found out people actually get memento mori lower back tattoos! All this time I thought they were relegated only to butterflies, but I've been proven wrong. Maybe reminding people of their mortality is easier to take if it's peeking out from low rider jeans. I imagine a typical scenario would go like this: "Oh dude, check out that chick! Wait, does she have a sexy tattoo? Try to read it!" [Reads it. Becomes depressed. Ponders the choices he's made in his life.]

The Lamenting Lady, c. 1620

Full Title:

"The Lamenting Lady, Who for the wrongs done to her by a poore woman, for hauing two children at one burthen, was by the hand of God most strangely punished, by sending her as many children at one birth, as there are daies in the yeare, in remembrance whereof, there is now a monument builded in the Citty of Lowdon, as many English men now liuing in Lowdon, can truely testifie the same and hath seene it"

That's right -- if you're mean to and/or belittle a woman for having twins, God will punish you with a plague of babies. Not laughing now, are you?

Villany Rewarded; or the Pirate's Last Farewell to the World, 1696

Even though Valentine's Day has past, I was feeling romantic. I suppose I'm just an old softy at heart. Feel free to use this image as a greeting card for your significant other on anniversaries, birthdays, or "just because."

This image is from a ballad about the execution of a pirate. The other image it contains features pirates hanged at the execution dock at Wapping, which is where they were usually hanged and left (covered in tar to preserve them) as a warning to other criminals. Still, we have some quality stuff here: quarters of the body and the head on spikes, the scavenging birds, the disemboweling and burning of viscera, and of course the message of undying love. I guess ladies had to take what they could get in 17th century London.

The Princess' Welcome To England, 1689

We've dealt with boobs before on lolmanuscripts, but I felt like they needed to make a comeback. Mary looks like she got some bad plastic surgery, though.

I see a sexy calendar in the making! Except instead of hanging on the walls of a Jiffy Lube, my "Naughty Ladies of the 17th century" publication will decorate the interiors of Renaissance departments across the land, thus making it the saddest porn ever created. Umm...Happy Valentine's Day?

Future Rochester!

Part IV of "Rochester Through the Ages":

The Year 3000: Life on Earth has taken a turn for the worse, so Future Rochester makes an escape to his Moon colonies. As the world he once knew is destroyed, Rochester takes it upon himself to begin repopulating the human race.

He finally starts writing racy poetry again, but this time it's full of puns about "black holes." Civilization is saved, but Rochester's wanderlust gets the better of him. Determined to reach the edges of the universe in order to discover the ever-elusive fifth dimension, Rochester leaves the moon behind to travel further and further into the great unkown. What adventures will the future contain? To know this is even beyond his own powers. Godspeed, Rochester. Godspeed.

Thus concludeth "Rochester Through the Ages." (Is is just me, or have I come dangerously close to Rochester-inspired fan fiction? )

80s Rochester!

Part III of "Rochester Through the Ages":

80s Rochester is totally rad! I like to think that he was in a hair metal band, seeing as how he pretty much had the most rockin' hair of the 17th century. It takes a lot of Aquanet to look that pretty.

There are theories that Prince was a protégé of 80s John Wilmot's. For proof, I suggest you read the lyrics to "Darling Nikki" and tell me they don't smack of Rochester. They even dressed the same. But watch out, 80s Rochester! Instead of good old friendly Syphilis, this decade has HIV/AIDS, so you should practice safe sex! (Oh, why am I telling you this? You totally won't be safe.)

70s Rochester!

Part II of "Rochester through the ages":

70s Rochester was super glam! I think he would have been best friends with Glam Oscar Wilde. They would have gone to Studio 54 all the time, hanging out in the VIP Room exploring their sexualities and doing coke off of hookers. 70s Rochester would probably wear roller skates all the time, too. Funkadelic!

60s Rochester!

Part I of "Rochester Through the Ages":

Pop Wilmot was so far out! He also seems like someone Warhol would/should have been obsessed with. Because he was crazy and gross, and Warhol was kind of crazy and gross too. (PS - fake photoshop that you download for free is sort of the greatest, even if you suck at it. Check out the program here.)

Things you should know about 60s Rochester: He invented Pop Music. He filmed the Kennedy assassination. He was the first man to walk on the moon. He never went steady with anybody, but wooed ladies with his new "free love" philosophy. As has been noted before, the syphilis was also free. He totally did Marylin Monroe, but also Lady Bird Johnson. He singlehandedly ended the Cuban Missle Crisis. He invented the Internet. He died of a mescaline-related hallucinatory accident after reading Huxley's Doors of Perception.

An Open Letter to Black Letter Print, 2008

Black Letter Print really does suck. Really really hard. They totally had roman typeface by the 16th century too, so I don't want to hear about early print and this bullshit being the only style available.

The Ballad of Luther, the Pope, A Cardinal, & A Husbandman, 1550

This is a screenshot from my soon to be released video game, Immortal Soul Combat. The concept: the people of the 16th century are suffering from a religious and spiritual crisis, and it's up to you to decide how to solve it! Will you choose to be Martin Luther and insist on vernacular Bibles to spread the word of God, or will you be Pope Leo X and sell indulgences as a way of buying favor? Other characters include John Calvin, Cardinal Thomas Wolsey, the Archbishop of Canterbury, Thomas More, John Knox, "Bloody" Mary Tudor, and Charles V. Who will come out on top, and who will be "reformed"?

A book for beginners, or, A help to young communicants, 1685

O Yes. If any Man or Woman any thing desire, 1630

I'm back!
O Yes!

Anyway, I get that the town crier is saying "O Yes" for whatever reason in accordance with his crying responsibilities, but it does look like he's just super stoked about finding the dog. I'm not even sure I needed to do anything to this image at all, as the town crier is really giving that pooch the ol' eye.

The sorrowful Lamentation of a Penitent Sinner, c. 1664

Christmastime is coming! Jesus wants to remind you of something:
















For the record, I think this image would make a pretty bitchin' album cover for like a cosmic heavy metal band. It's sort of trippy, especially with those flying angel heads. And the whole showing off the stigmata sort of makes Jesus look like he's "Raising the Roof!" It's the hippest Jesus ever! Although this might top my Jesus-meets-dated-dancemove-reference. LOL Christ!!!

Merry Christmas everybody!

Hibernation

It's been a long semester of studying the Renaissance, and LOL Manuscripts has made a name for itself as mildly humorous amongst a small and specialized audience. But as it is the season of Baby Jesus' birthday, there are parents to visit that still have dial up internet. That said, LOL Manuscripts will go into hibernation for the next few weeks of winter, much like the mighty Grizzly Bear.

To satisfy all our desires for captioning, I will direct you to the weekly New Yorker Caption Contest! It's no 17th century woodcut, but it'll do. Below is last weeks contest's image. As a captioner of early modern works, I must admit I am stumped. I can't think of anything but jokes about King James or how evil the papacy is or abortions, which is pretty much my bread and butter for this site. Anyway, here's my attempt:

"Help, I'm trapped in a Piet Mondrian painting! Oh no! How on earth could a thing like this happen? I am frightened and confused!"

Doug pointed out that a pun on "Mondrian" or "De Stijl" is sort of impossible. Or is it? I was talking to Katie once about that Tracy Chevalier art history romance novel/film Girl with the Pearl Earring, which chronicles the sexy sexy history behind the famous Vermeer painting of the same name. She suggested that someone should write a novel on the erotic backstory behind Mondrian's work. I can imagine the enigmatic and tragic romance that inspired Composition with Red, Yellow and Blue.

Anyway, I'm going to try to win the New Yorker Caption Contest, and then I'll become famous for my captioning abilities and become a millionaire and heal the world with my jokes about preventable diseases and 17th century politics and the pope.

Marmaduke Explained is a pretty funny blog to, if you like Marmaduke cartoons explained to you. Have a nice break, everybody.

The Method of Curing Wounds, 1617

Ambrose Pare was a famous surgeon in the 16th century. I don't know if he was any good, because it seems that his method of "curing wounds made by gun-shot...arrows and darts" is to stab the patient with even more arrows and darts and swords and knives. Then again, maybe shit like this just happened in the 17th century. There you are taking a leisurely nude stroll, and bam! You've been stabbed 20 times. I almost called this "Early Modern Acupuncture," but I sort of like the Public Service Announcement feel -- spreading the message of Tetanus vaccinations is important . I dream of it turning into an ad campaign; posters hanging in city buses, subway stations, and health department walls, next to less imperative messages about Hepatitis or HIV testing.

I had to get a Tetanus shot a few months ago, and it sort of hurt for a few days, but I imagine it didn't hurt as much as getting Lockjaw.

LOL Manuscripts cares about your health! Have YOU had your Tetanus shot this year? Don't wait--Vaccinate!

Some passages of the life and death of the Right Honourable John Earl of Rochester, 1693

by Gilbert Burnet



John Wilmot, 2nd Earl of Rochester: Disturbing, Disgusting, or Awesome? I still can't decide.











My favoirte story about the Earl of Rochester is that he once claimed that he was drunk for five years straight. What a cad! Also, Johnny Depp played him in a movie, so you know he's important.

In addition to his bawdy and kinda gross verse, he often angered the King and was occasionally exiled from court. To make money, he once advertised himself as Dr. Alexander Bendo, a quack physician who had a great cure for "barrenness (proceeding from any accidental cause, as it often falls out, and no natural defect; for nature is easily assisted)... Cures of this kind I have done signal and many, for the which I doubt not but I have the good wishes and hearty prayers of many families, who had else pin'd out their days under the deplorable and reproachful misfortunes of barren wombs, leaving plentiful estates and possessions to be inherited by strangers." [source] I wonder how he cured so many infertile women? Wilmot died of complications from alcoholism and syphilis in his early thirties.

Let's do one more LOL Rochester:





















(Maybe it should have read "Mah Syphilis: Let me show you it.")

The famous Ratketcher, with his trauels into France, and of his returne to London, 1616

This ballad (sung to the tune of "the Joviall Tinker"--man I love that song) is actually pretty funny at first. The ratketcher walks around carrying
"Full fourty fulsome Vermine" on a pole to advertise his trade, and sings "Rat tat tat." He also seems to be interested in various poisons from around the world, and is lauded for his work. It reminded me of the famous Victorian ratter Jack Black, until I got to this stanza:

"But on a time, a Damosell,
did him so farre intice,
That for her a Baite he layd straight,
would kill no Rats nor Mice...
And on the Baite she nibled,
so pleasing in her taste,
She lickt so long, that the Poyson strong,
did make her swell i'th waste."

That's right, he tries to poison a woman. Ha Ha Ha! Although the "poison" might be semen. Either way, it seems he has to leave town for some reason.

But you know, now that I look at the kitty, maybe it's supposed to be a terrier? And flowers, milk baths, and ringing bells were all real plague "remedies" throughout the 15th-18th centuries.

On the subject of ratcatching, I just saw maybe the most terribly depressing (read: wonderful in every way) movie called Ratcatcher. It's set in Glasgow, Scotland in the 1970s, during a garbagemen strike. Urban poverty? Check. Familial breakdown? Check. Childhood cut short due to tragedy? Double check. It was pretty much perfect in every way. Watch it.

John Seller's The History of England, 1696

Seller was one of the first great English mapmakers, and one of the first to publish and sell his maps. He's most famous for nautical charts and navigational aides. I think that this map, however, accurately captures a specific topography of 17th century England. And yes, that's the killer rabbit from "Monty Python's Holy Grail." Thanks, Doug.

I should point out that "murther" encompasses all forms, including stabbing, smothering, kissing a poisoned portrait of your husband, or having flaming gold thrown on you .

Behold Rome's monster on his monstrous beast! 1643

Urban VIII know how to fucking roll! Compare the 1643 version to the notably less terrifying popemobiles of today:












Lame. I definitely prefer the seven-headed beast.

A Mad Crue, or, That shall be Tryde, 1625

From the pamphlet:

Then to a Tobacco-house, smoking hot
Went I, and call'd for my Pipe and my Pot,
The Weed was strong, but hardly well dryde,
Well, quoth the Horse-courser, that shal be tryde.

Basically, this tells the story of some dudes (the titular "mad crew") trying lots of fashionable things that gallants would have done in th 17th century. I like that smoking was "cool" right from the start, and is still pretty cool today. Although smoking from a gigantic pipe doesn't seem as glamorous.

Also note the smoker's "crazy eyes." That's what happens to me when I smoke. And I think the other guy is a ruler salesman.

Furthermore, it has come to my attention that lolcats have all but lost their influence on lolmanuscripts. I hereby bring them back into play:









Remember this lolcat?

A Dog's Elegy, or, Rupert's Tears, 1644

Cassidy did another one!:

Apparently Prince Rupert had a magic devil-dog named Boy, who seems to be a 17th century version of Cujo.

(P.S. -- Cassidy can never do any lolmanuscripts ever again. One was bad enough, but this one is too good.)

The beginning and endynge of all popery, or popishe kyngedome, 1548

We at LOL Manuscripts are happy to have a special guest blogger with us today...in an unofficial Blog-Off!!! My 13 year old cousin and blogging protégé, Cassidy, is a fan of LOL Manuscripts, and her visit coincided with my latest post. I had the image open when she leap'd into my seat and began typing away. I only gave her the seed of my idea, that the Pope is having a secret rendezvous in the woods with the demon.

Below are two versions of the same image: The first by Cassidy, the second by the experienced blogger. The worst part is that hers is sort of better. I have wasted my life. A younger generation has usurped me. Although hers is a little wordy, the spirit of LOL Manuscripts is there in full force. I like her explanatory paragraph off to the right, just in case you couldn't figure out what was going on. My favorite line is about the "special pope-only courtyard":

































While mine is pretty funny, I think the humor is mainly derived from the word "snickerdoodle," which is a very funny word.

Hers is better. Dammit.

A brefe chronycle concernynge the examinacyon and death of the blessed martyr of Christ syr Iohan Oldecastell, 1544

Christian martyrs were totally buff in the 15th Century! Sir John Oldcastle was a soldier and Lollard who was convicted of heresy and escaped from the Tower of London...but then they caught him again after he supposedly committed treason against Henry V, and he was executed.

From the details of his life, many have drawn parallels between Oldcastle and Shakespeare's Sir John Falstaff. There's even evidence that Falstaff was initially called "Oldcastle," but his name was changed. I think that's for the best...this guy is most un-Falstaffian.

Sir John Oldcastle was burned (alive? probably not) in 1417 and became a martyr to the people. Plus, he was obviously a total ass kicking soldier and had very nice, almost Jesus-like abs which he apparently liked to show off in battle to intimidate his French enemies. Sexiness is very important in a warfare situation. I like how he's dressed like a cast member from 300.

The beginning and endynge of all popery, or popishe kyngedome, 1548

This pamphlet (by Walter Lynne) is actually full of weird images of the pope paired with animals. I think I might use it again. Here's the caption above the image:

"The Pope thrusteth the lamb through with his sword. And therefore giveth him the Devil the keys, that is, power and might."

I like how the pope just can't seem to commit all the sins at once. I mean, he only has two hands! He has to juggle blighting the harvest and killing a lamb and giving his power over to the devil...he's obviously taken on too much at once. Christianity wasn't destroyed in a day! It takes many many centuries of corruption and deception. Pace yourself, little guy!

I also can't help thinking this is some sort of depraved sex act. I think it's the sword hilt /ball gag situation. As an isolated incident it might be okay, but coupled with that sheep...

An excellent new medley, 1625

"Yo Mama" jokes have a long and varied history in England.

The Braue English Iipsie, 1625

Racism and Stereotyping. As old as recorded history, and pretty funny.

The Answer to the London lasses folly: or, The new-found father discoverd at the camp, 1685

a.k.a. The Sexiest Lol Manuscript ever!

The Sexy Backstory:
This entire ballad is centered around a "London Lass" who finds herself pregnant. Each stanza is her talking about some dude she slept with as she tries to figure out who knocked her up. She was kind of a giant slut, because she goes through all of these men, and each stanza ends with some version of the line "I thought he was the father."

But all is well, because while pregnant she wanders into a military camp, and she sees a soldier who she thinks would make a good father and pretty much tells him he has to marry her. So he does, and everyone lives happily ever after. Inspiring.

A Note on Nudity:
Lol Manuscripts officially condones nudity if it's tasteful and artistic. I would also add that Woodcut representations of boobs are pretty hot. Sex has always sold, I guess, but I really like the idea that this particular broadside was hidden beneath some 17th century adolescent boy's mattress and got him through some confusing times.

November the 5. 1605, The Quintessence of Cruelty, 1641

It's Guy Fawkes Day everybody! Lol Manuscripts has addressed Guy Fawkes before, but has never given serious attention to the actual Gunpowder Plot. There fore I present The First Annual Guy Fawkes Day Special Edition Lol Manuscript! On November 5th, 1605, some Catholic Conspirators totally tried to blow up Parliament. Don't worry, they were caught! Horray for the government, they win again! Effigy burning at my place!

Anyway, this is a big day for Lol Manuscripts, and to commemorate it, here is a 6 part visual journey that explains exactly what happened:


------










-











---

Some Notes: Fawkes really did tell people his name was "John Johnson." With a code name like that you're pretty much asking to be caught and tortured to death. Also, I misspelled "barrels" in that image, but I'm too lazy to fix it. I'll just call it an early modern spelling and pretend it was intentional.

Also, I think Guy Fawkes day has waned in popularity over the years. I'm brining it back! Burning men made of straw is something that should never go out of fashion. I'm also sort of pissed that many of the individuals who know who Guy Fawkes even was only know because of V for Vendetta.

Hey, here's a poem:

Remember, remember the Fifth of November,
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,
I know of no reason
Why Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.
Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes, t'was his intent
To blow up King and Parliament.
Three-score barrels of powder below
To prove old England's overthrow;
By God's providence he was catch'd
With a dark lantern and burning match.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, let the bells ring.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, God save the King!

A declaration demonstrating and infallibly proving that all malignants, 1643

Full Title: A declaration demonstrating and infallibly proving that all malignants, whether they be prelates, popish-cavaleers, with all other ill-affected persons, are enemies to God and the King, 1643 (Bastwick, John)

For some reason I think Sir Percy would be considered an "ill-affected person." And anybody who stands like that is most definitely a "popish-cavaleer." Once again, those roundheads really dropped the ball when it came to sexy fashion. My favorite part of this particular ensemble is the cape. Or is it a capelet?

And in case anyone cares to note: I took the line "I thank your lordship, it is very hot." from the most famous Shakespearean fop -- Sir Osric from Hamlet (5.2.99).