A Maydens Lamentation for a Bedfellow. Or, I can, nor will no longer lye alone, 1615

Don't pretend you don't watch Toddlers & Tiaras. Just don't. We need to all be open and honest. This is a safe space. Now admit that it's your favorite show and this past season was AMAZING. Exhibit A: Honey Boo Boo Child, who I learned today is getting her own show! So drink your Go-Go Juice and listen up.

It is by wonderful coincidence that "A Maydens Lamentation for a Bedfellow. Or, I can, nor will no longer lye alone" had the perfect pageant picture, because this ballad is so absolutely appropriate. It perfectly expresses a perspective that all those pageant kids are going to have when they realize that their self worth has been completely based how they look. What does one do with that knowledge? Here's a representative stanza:

Some Maides are coy, and proud withall,
When alas their beauty is but small
Whilst I live Ile nere be coy to none,
Because I will no longer ly alone.

That's right girls -- don't be coy! Sparkle, baby!

Live every day like you've just been crowned Ultimate Grand Supreme.

The Honour of a London 'Prentice; Being an Account of his Matchless Manhood and brave Adventures done in Turkey, 1763

Listen, we need to talk about something. Something important. Something that is a documentary and the name of the documentary is CAT DANCERS.

It is the best, most beautiful, most bizarre and insane thing I have ever seen. The official summary reads: "the mesmerizing and haunting tale of the husband-and-wife team who first engaged the world in the art and tragedy of exotic cat entertainment." And now you can watch it in full on Hulu! Basically, there's no reason why everyone isn't obsessed with this documentary. It is a classic case of escalation in storytelling. You think it's about one thing and you're like, "whoa" and then another thing happens and you're like, "NO!" and then another thing happens and you're like, "AAAAHHH!"

Anyway, "The Honour of a London 'Prentice; Being an Account of his Matchless Manhood and brave Adventures done in Turkey" is about an English dude who goes to Turkey and talks about how great England is. So they throw him to the Lions, but because they starved the lions for 10 days they're super tired and kind of sluggish. Then he does what we would all do in that situation:

Into each Throat he thrust his Arm
with all his Might and Power;
From thence with manly Force,
He tore their Hearts asunder,
And at the King he threw them
To all the People's Wonder.

After that impressive display, the 'Prentice is pardoned, and the king gives him his daughter to marry! Huzzah! 

Basically this ballad is exactly like the movie CAT DANCERS if there were more weird sexual politics and sparkly costumes and also the lions won.