Listen, we need to talk about something. Something important. Something that is a documentary and the name of the documentary is CAT DANCERS.
It is the best, most beautiful, most bizarre and insane thing I have ever seen. The official summary reads: "the mesmerizing and haunting tale of the husband-and-wife team who first engaged the world in the art and tragedy of exotic cat entertainment." And now you can watch it in full on Hulu! Basically, there's no reason why everyone isn't obsessed with this documentary. It is a classic case of escalation in storytelling. You think it's about one thing and you're like, "whoa" and then another thing happens and you're like, "NO!" and then another thing happens and you're like, "AAAAHHH!"
Anyway, "The Honour of a London 'Prentice; Being an Account of his Matchless Manhood and brave Adventures done in Turkey" is about an English dude who goes to Turkey and talks about how great England is. So they throw him to the Lions, but because they starved the lions for 10 days they're super tired and kind of sluggish. Then he does what we would all do in that situation:
Into each Throat he thrust his Arm
with all his Might and Power;
From thence with manly Force,
He tore their Hearts asunder,
And at the King he threw them
To all the People's Wonder.
After that impressive display, the 'Prentice is pardoned, and the king gives him his daughter to marry! Huzzah!
Basically this ballad is exactly like the movie CAT DANCERS if there were more weird sexual politics and sparkly costumes and also the lions won.